I guess what appealed to me, at some level, was the promise of a warm, safe zone of normalcy. I longed to be part of her isolation. I envied her simple pleasures and distractions.From a distance it seemed so stainlessly straightforward.
If there’s anything I learned from the events of the past few days, it is that it may be too late for me to have that kind of life. It had been too late for the longest time.
By now there are too many threads, too many little losing wars, too many compartments and fractured aspects. I’ve given every inch of myself to this, this long retreat. None is left to just be.
For the longest time I thought that perhaps someday I’ll have an escape hatch. Someday an afternoon of cake and grass. I never found it.
Maybe I should just stop looking. Maybe this is all I ever should have in this incarnation: a lifetime of whirlwinds, and the fire and ashes of battles that are never won.
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