There’s this scene that comes to mind whenever I begin trying to elaborate how I’ve felt for the past few days.
Years ago I went out with some friends (ladies and gents) on Valentine’s Day. I forgot what we were thinking – we watched a Regine Velasquez concert. A fellow in a seat near our row caught our attention. He was a tall, lanky chinito, crisply dressed, his hair generously gelled and neatly combed. He carried a bouquet of roses, with a big pink card. He had “reserved” the seat next to him, defending it valiantly from teens and matrons alike. We assumed he was waiting for his date.
Minutes piled up into hours. He never wavered from his vigil, fighting his long and tragic retreat until the very end. She never showed up. Just as the concert ended, he folded the big pink card and put it in his pocket. He removed the bouquet’s paper wrap and unbundled all the roses and (there must have been a dozen of them) started giving them out to random people, my friends included.
God, it very nearly broke my heart.
There is a word in Sanskrit, a central concept in Buddhism, karuna – the capacity to transform pain and suffering to joy. I guess that’s the word for what I saw. The unwanted things in ones life can be a source of compassion. Even your pain is part of your treasure.
I don’t think she’s showing up. So I guess I’m giving away my roses now. Every one of them, for all.
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March 10th, 2006 at 1:29 pm
if you were given a chance not to feel the pain you’re feeling right now in exchange for not feeling anything at all, will you take it? i don’t think anyone would. That’s the beauty about this mystery we are all meant to live–the fact that we go through joys and excitement and happiness— always, always, it seems, at the price of having to go through so much pain.
Karuna. I love that word. i myself am going through “transformative” pain right now. thank you for the insight.
Trust in the process. this will only make you stronger.
March 11th, 2006 at 8:30 am
you’re right. i wouldn’t have it any other way.
zen teaches that we should be treat even pain with mindfulness. touch it lightly without judging, and letting it float and fade. do not dwell on it or crave for it. do not avoid or deny it. with the right perspective, one can have nothing but pain in his heart, and still be capable of boddhichita – the awakened heart
thank you for the comment. welcome to the blogosphere!
April 19th, 2006 at 5:20 pm
[...] I’m still feeling ragged. And still a little lost and wounded. There are a thousand things to do, so many other threads to pull. From here I’m not sure if I can do it all. But I’ve given away roses. I’ve made smiles possible. I’ve eased the suffering of others, if only a little. Small coins of merit for next lives. tags: iblog2, merit, personal, klesha by emerson | posted in Personal Trackback URL | Comment RSS Feed Tag at del.icio.us | Incoming links [...]
July 21st, 2006 at 5:45 pm
[...] I guess I couldn’t help it. Comedy is hard, and harder still when you’re nursing a gaping chest wound. [...]
January 4th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
i love love love this entry! (for many reasons i can’t seem to articulate at this moment, one of which though is for the way it made my heart ache.) sigh.
January 5th, 2007 at 10:31 am
jona: yeah. this entry tends to have that effect on people. i’ve had classmates and (profs) stopping me in the hallway asking if i was okay (i wasn’t) or telling me that they had an experience similar to rose-giving guy
January 5th, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Give me a moment to blow my nose…