A Pinoy Blog About Nothing

Now that Joey went on primetime to publicly apologize for whatever and Kris has dropped charges, someone deemed it necessary to put up the scorecard to the whole ruckus.

It’s certainly not as restrained as Katrina Stuart Santiago’s piece but whoever wrote it had a morbid fascination with the whole fiasco and well, just plain funnier despite its mess with the misspellings and the misinterpretations.

Subject: FW: Kris-Joey Analysis of Winners-Losers-Score card
Date: Fri, 3 Oct 2003 10:39:10 +0900

WINNERS & LOSERS: The Kris-Joey Split

ABS-CBN vs. GMA 7: Only in the Philippines can a domestic drama be elevated into a full-blown network war. The world stopped to watch Korina’s interview of Kris while Mel Tiangco did Joey. Winner : Channel 2 having the edge over Channel 7 in terms of production value: soft lights on the face of the unmade and surprisingly prettier Kris. Melodramatic instrumental music on cue, and a grand set-design flowers, flowers everywhere, a portrait of Ninoy or Cory as a backdrop. I was half expecting to see Cardinal Sin make an official statement and it is people’s power once again.

S-Files vs. The Buzz. Surreal images on a Sunday afternoon. On one hand we have 5 gays anchoring the interview of Kris Aquino at The Buzz, and on the other hand we have Richard Gomez (with hair as long as Jobert Sucaldito’s) brandishing his style of elementary interview that deserves another article all together in S-Files. Winner: Ating Alamin (the program I switched channel to when I started to puke).

The Inquirer vs. Philippine STAR. The height of yellow journalism with STAR taking the lead by a mile. If a national broadsheet chooses to use headlines such as “Joey Poked a Gun at Me,” as if it had the same gravity as “Gloria to Run in 2004,” then there must be really something terribly sick with our society. Sus marya, ‘wag na kalabanin ang Abante at Peoples Tonite no? I will not be surprised if in the future, Philippine Star will have a regular feature entitled Dear Xerex by Max Soliven. STARiray talaga!

Alma Moreno: Winner at first, now fast becoming a Loser. When this woman chose to be silent on the first day or two of the imbroglio, we thought that at last - - Alma of the tanga-wearing days in Loveli-ness, and Alma of the mangled English jokes has finally graduated from crass to class. But lo and behold, after realizing what a big publicity this will do to her political ambitions and maybe put her back again in the showbiz limelight?ayan na sya?.complete with scripted and well-thought answers. Day, wag ka na makisawsaw muna. As my English teacher will say “Halatang Obvious ka!” (suggested movie title starring Alma Moreno with Lorna Tolentino, Zsa Zsa Padilla and Kris Aquino “Silang Mga Babaeng Umagaw sa Mga Asawa Ko.”). [Latest news on Alma : she underwent liposuction yesterday. Why? We don't want to know].

Melanie Marquez. Winner. Timeless statements. Classic answers. “Do not judge my brother because he is not a book.”, “Ang STD ay pwedeng makuha sa toilet seats”. Ineng, wagi ka talaga??. Magkaka-STD lamang si Kris sa toilet kung nakipag sex sya sa flush handle ng toilet. I thank you. [Latest news : Winnie Monsod had an mild aneurysm after guesting Melanie in Debate].

Melanie Marquez confronts Alma Moreno. Winner. Scenario: Alma will sue Joey for concubinage. Melanie to defend again her brother. Debate Show asking them as guests. Melanie spewing quotable quotes to Alma and Alma answering back. Angelika Jones as guest interpreter of Mareng Winnie and Pareng Oca. This will be the show to end all shows. Nestor Torre will have a field day.

Jackie Forster. Winner. Stella L (or something). Winner. And the biggest winner of all? Mariz. Who is this Mariz woman? Where did Joey meet her? What is the meaning of her text “I can’t believe nagawa mo yun.”? Or something to that effect. Come out girl! We want to hear your side. We will listen to you even if through Jobert Sucaldito of The Buzz, Richard Gomez of S-Files or even Gerry Geronimo of Ating Alamin.

Ate Inday. Winner. Agaw-eksena ka Tita Luds. Makes one wonder how the legendary and respected Queen of Intrigues would have handled this scandal. I guess we will never know and we’ll just have to contend ourselves with the likes of Boy Abunda. (Boy : Eto Kris ang magic salamin. ano nakikita mo? Kris: Kuya Boy, mga pasa po). Hahahaha.

The Fortun Brothers. Winners. THEY’RE BACCCKKKK! The Babette Villaruel(SLN) look-alike older brother, and the Smurf-look-alike younger one are back in the limelight once again!! Grabe, from an Estrada client to an Aquino client!! Bilog talaga ang mundo. Habang may buhay may pag-asa Kuya Eddie. Next client : Mahal vs. Jimboy.

Atty. Frank Chavez. Winner. Class act for rejecting Joey out of respect for Tita Cory. Winner because he knows the information Joey shared to him for 3 hours about Kris (and never forgetting to remind the public that he DOES know). Winner because he lambasted Channel 7, Channel 2 and most especially Edu Manzano for his stupid questions during his morning interview.

Mirriam Defensor Santiago. 50-50. It’s anybody’s guess if she will emerge as winner or loser if ever she decides to accept Joey as a client. (Read also Fortun brothers analysis above). If only to see the ballistic, high-fallutin Mirriam question the verbally-challenged Melanie and Alma (to validate Joey’s character), this will be worth it.

Vic Sotto. 50-50. Where did that name come from???? I was expecting the name of Philip Salvador, or perhaps Robin Padilla or maybe even one of those F4 guys Kris interviewed recently. But Vic Sotto??? You have a lot of explaining to do bossing. You can either make yourself a winner or a loser (read : where did Kris get the STD?).

Philip Salvador. 50-50. Winner because he could have been in Joey’s place had he continued his relationship with Kris. Loser because he was called a bum at pakain ni Kris on national TV. (and let’s not forget…Where did Kris get the STD?)

First Gentleman Mike Arroyo. Winner. Finally, a respite from Ping Lacson. The Kris Joey scandal is more interesting than the alleged Mike-Vicky affair. And more importantly more aesthetically appealing! Nawala bigla sa news si Pidal. Yehey.

Ping Lacson. Loser. Read above. From some newspapers, Ping will have to delay the announcement of his next bomb against Mike Arroyo until the Kris-Joey freak show has settled down. Mr. Ping wala na, after this …..no bomb or scandal can shock as anymore (unless of course you can prove that Mike Arroyo been texting …Vic Sotto…hmmmmmm.. appear tayo dyan!).

Women’s Group. Losers. The email of a UP student (title : Amazing Kris) circulating analyzing why Kris Aquino is hardly your poster girl for battered wives should be printed on a hard board, laminated, polished at tapos sabay ipukpok sa mga ulo nyo!!! Read also Conrado De Quiroz’s article why it is very difficult for us to swallow your arguments.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Winners. All of a sudden people becoming aware of STDs - - if only how to pronounce and spell Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis. (Fearless Forecast: I can see now that there will be a rise of STD Beauties : Chlamydia Coronel, Gonorrhea Alcohola, Syphilis Salvador).

Noynoy Aquino. Winner. At last an Aquino child that took after his parents. Protective brother and son. Minimum words agains Joey. An Aqunio that Kris should try to emulate……as they say, Kris is more of a Tessie Aquino Oreta than a Cory Aquino. No offense meant to Ms. Oreta of course.

Imee Marcos / Jo Ramos / Mikee Aroyo. Winners all. The indirect beneficiaries of Kris’s telenovela life. A presidential child worst than the scandals created by the three of them combined..(although we are not yet taking Mikee out of the race… may potential ang batang ito na magkalat…..hahahaha). Imee hit the mark when she said “next to Kris, I look like a nun.” (note: Jingoy and Jude Estrada excluded in the analysis). Tita Cory. Winner as always. This woman can never go wrong. Ok…perhaps she did…once….32 years ago… hahahaha(Statement many wish Tita Cory made : “Pasalamat ka Joey at patay na si Ninoy, kung hindi sya na ang pumatay kay Kris.”) (Reporter: Tita Cory, bakit hindi na po kayo nag-asawa ulit? Tita Cory: Ay, ayoko baka agawin lang ni Kris). hahahahaha.

And of course, we are saving the bests for last??

Kris Aquino and Joey Marquez. Losers. Losers. Losers. Losers. Losers. Losers. Losers. Losers. Losers .Losers. Losers. Losers. Losers .Losers. Losers. Losers. Losers .Losers. Losers. Losers. Losers.

My gad! What cosmic karma are we reaping as a nation to deserve these two???? Both of you are walking human-rights violations!!!! Ang kakapal ng mga mukha nyong dalawang mag-iiyak and invoke your reputation, your children, your family. Ang kapal ng mga apog nyo to talk about dignity. Many articles and emails have been written and circulated around why we think makapal ang mukha nyo?. Pero patulan pa rin natin…speaking of mukha, let’s start with Kris because she at least has the more pleasant face. Drama Queen. This woman can talk. Such gift of gab and such flair for drama. Measured sighs. Quivering voice. Trembling hands. A tear dropping from the left eye. From the first statement of “I fear for my life” up to sudden facing of camera # 2 to directly address Joey (a style perfected from hosting Game Ka Na Ba’s multiple cameras). Perfect. I’ll have to hand it over to this girl. (She is pretty without make-up. Oh yes, the nose looks crooked pala and the teeth may beg for capping but overall she is a pretty sight and prettier still when she cries). But it doesn’t change my overall judgment which can be summed up in five words: “Beh! Buti ng sa yo!” You are anything but a victim here Kris. To quote Condrado de Quiros “you are not Maria Theresa Carlson at the mercy of her oppressor you are a powerful woman.” Equally or even more powerful than Joey.

Stupid Girl. If the issue at hand is Joey poking a gun at you and that is your main beef?…why dear did you have to announce that you had (have? We can never be sure) STD? You ruined many dinners that night Kris. I can not forgive you for that. I hope that by now, you have fully realized the implications of what you said. Mr. Tulfo said it best when he wrote “..No Filipino will ever go down on you.” Also, admitting that you have been living-in with Joey for one and a half years is giving arsenal to Alma Moreno’s planned lawsuit (Tip to Kris : Possible
excuse for all your statements : you were high on medication to alleviate the pain caused by the bruises inflicted by Joey when you were interviewed by Korina).

Speaking of of bruises?.hahahahaha?.hilarious! what bruises are you talking about??? I have had blacker bruises on my hands and arms courtesy of my ergonomically incorrect computer table. I have had bluer bruises on my face after brushing my teeth with a bit more passion. OA na Kris hindi na cute. Have you ever thought that sa puti mong yan sa paggamit ng Kissa soap…. kahit sinong humawak sa yo ng mahigpit-higpit e magkakapasa ka? Please Kris. For your parents’ sake. for your sake. and for our sake.tumigil ka na.

Joey Marquez. Big Loser. You can kiss your political ambitions goodbye! Nakahanap ka ng katapat mo ‘tsong! Your interview in S-Files is the funniest showbiz interview since Divina Valencia hit Rey dela Cruz’s head with a microphone. If only you can see yourself that day : meek stance my foot .. the quivering voice, a tear forced to fall - but will not…, stuttering words, trembling chin, a missing upper molar… geesh…Kris Aquino already beat you to that act dear except for the missing tooth. While Kris won our hearts with the beauty of her face while crying, you repulsed us. Ang pangit mo ‘tsong! You should start starring in you own telenovela yourself… “Hangang Sa Tulo ng Panahon.” Nevertheless, we are all excited to see what you are going to say in court. We are expecting a lot from you Joey.

Finally.a self-rating of Juan dela Cruz. A winner for seeing the funny and ironice side to all these. A winner for not taking you two seriously …But sadly, also a loser for being a trapped and captive audience to all these. A loser for having the email as my only way to vent my anger and frustration.

Hala, I-forward ang email mga kapatid hangang makarating kina Kris at Joey.

(I have to blame…er…thank my sister for forwarding me this one.)