A Pinoy Blog About Nothing

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What If the Lord of The Rings Were Made by Pinoy Showbiz Denizens?

1. There would be a Lord of The Rings The Reunion (Happily Ever After).

2. In the movie, Aragorn would never get hurt and Legolas would never reload his arrows.

3. The actor playing Gollum would not need special effects.

4. The Hobbits would be played by the likes of Dagul, Mahal, Mura, and certain people from Malacanang and the Senate.

5. Merry and Pippin would have a song and dance number in the forest of Fangorn — with matching popping-out-behind-the-tree choreography.

6. A scene would go like:
Sam: Itahpon moh nah ang singsing! (with matching kunot ng noo at nguso)
Frodo: Hindeh! Akhin itoh! (with matching kunot ng noo at nguso)
Gollum: Huwag! Myyyy Prey-siussss. (with matching kunot ng noo)

7. The trailers would run for 30 minutes and reveal the highlights of the movies (sinabi na lahat).

8. Flashback scene: Aragorn and Arwen frolicking in Rivendell; cut to close-up shot of Aragorn and Arwen, and in the background; a song by the Air Supply. (”I can see the pain living in your eyes”)

9. Everyone would cry in buckets, including Sauron — for FAMAS moments. (The flooding of Isengard would be traced back to Sauron’s tears to cut costs of animating the Ents.)

10. The Nazgul will be played by stuntmen…with beer-bellies.

11. Arwen: Itay, i-reforge mo ang Narsil (hikbi).
Elrond: Hindi pwede. Mas magastos. Bili na lang tayo ng bago.

12. Eowyn will be first seen taking a bath in the batis in a white kamisa and will be popular among Riders of Rohan…if you know what I mean.

13. Plot twist: Saruman and Gandalf will turn out to be siblings when they discover they both have an oddly shaped tattoo/find a long lost diary/find their long lost mother who had amnesia until recently.

14. In order to promote the movie, the actors would be seen singing and shaking their booties in noontime variety shows.
Host: Why don’t you invite everyone to watch your movie, pala.
Actor 1: Oo nga pala, I’d like to invite everyone to watch my movie, The Lord of The Rings. I play an orc here.
Actor 2: I play an Uruk-hai naman and please don’t forget we have a promotional tour sa ESEM Bacolor, ESEM Pampanga, ESEM Basilan, ESEM Timbuktu.

15. The theme song would be “It Might Be You” (in tagalog version) or “I’ll Be” (also in tagalog version).

16. In the Council of Elrond scene, San Miguel beer will be served.

17. DVD Extra: eksena na ginawang pulutan ni Sam si Shelob.

18. As a sidekick, Sam would be funnier, carry a giant balisong and would have a Batangueno accent.

19. In the Battle of Helm’s Deep, faced with two orcs and having only one arrow left, Aragorn splits an arrow in two using an itak in front of his bow.

20. No CGI stand-ins for extras and crowd scenes — all former That’s Entertainment and Star Brighters ahem, talents, will be employed.