My Tribe
I read this from Belle du Jour and reminded me of Petite’s observation while we were watching an episode of Friends:
And while I enjoy hanging in cafes and coffee bars with a small group of friends, there is always the danger that by knowing too much about each other, all useful conversational skills will be lost. Only with people who’ve known you since puberty can you be entertained by
“Remember the…” (vague hand gesture)
(random Star Wars quote)
It’s not a fortress that admits new champions easily, and girlfriends of N and the As usually find themselves on the outisde regardless of their charms and abilities. There was the one who was raised on a commune in South Africa, built her last house from the ground up and had never been to a McDonalds (actually, a rather admirable trait). But she couldn’t quote freely from The Princess Bride, and thus found herself in a constant state of puzzlement, especially when A tried - and failed - to propose to her by explaining that Life Is Pain.
We need to get out more. With other people. Normal people.
Petite said the fictional Friends were very tribal - whenever there are new boy/girlfriends around, they are picked apart by the others. Of course, that’s a TV show and they need to be in funny situations but there is some truth to it.
Yes it is hard for a stranger to break into our clique. Because there has been much history that has passed between us. The shorthands are in place. One silly quote from an 80s movie would be enough of a punchline. To a newcomer who would not be able to contextualize these things, it would appear as strange or as a word often levelled against us - weird. To the newbie who can keep up, respect and awe from the group. That’s my tribe.
When I was single I used to kid with my friends that I was looking for a girl who is an introvert and an orphan - that way I don’t have to deal with her friends and her family. Mean I know. And lazy. (And I married someone who is neither an introvert and very much NOT an orphan.)
But from what I have experienced and from what I have observed the Pinoy courtship process involves not just winning (to put it crudely) the woman’s heart but making sure the suitor wins the heart of her friends and family as well. Of course this goes both ways - that the guy’s friends and family also figure in the relationship.
Of course the romantic way of thinking that love is all that should matter. But the reality of it is, the opinons of friends and family matter are also very much important factors.
Why this rant? Oh nothing in particular. I just read that passage and thought of all those people who tried to keep up with us but failed and dismissed us as Peter Pans lost in Neverland. But more importantly, for those who liked the strangeness of it and stayed.
3 Comments, Comment or Ping
halohalo
Only a few pinoys in my clique now, but what you said still holds true. It’s definitely hard for a stranger to break into it. What with the inside jokes and childhood references, to them it’s like we speak a different language.
Though I was wondering just how much truth the Friends new boy/girlfriend scenario has for your clique.
For mine, it’s almost gone to the point where unless you date from within the clique, your new boy/girlfriend will definitely be alienated, and in extremes, excommunicated by the rest of the group.
Feb 29th, 2004
Sassy Lawyer
After a disastrous 2-year relationship after law school, I said that too. Next time, I want a orphan for a boyfriend. Parents do get in the way, honestly. But orphans are few. I married a non-orphan and, after 12 years, I am still “managing” my mother-in-law. Sucks.
Mar 1st, 2004
pinayhekmi
Next to marrying a non-orphan, marrying someone whose family is far, far away and you can only see few and far between, is acceptable too! That’s my case anyway. And maybe because of this, I can say that I love my husband’s family.
Mar 1st, 2004
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