A Pinoy Blog About Nothing

I miss Christmas in the Philippines. That’s why I can write something like this:

1. When looking for your ninong or ninang, drop by their house early morning or late at night. That way, you’re sure you have their fullest attention.

2. On Christmas Day, when you open your gift and find that it wasn’t the diamond ring you were expecting, laugh hysterically. Trust me, he’ll get it.

3. If you find yourself with overstaying guests, make sure they see you firing up your Excel spreadsheet and counting up the costs of their stay. When they ask what it is you’re doing, tell them you’re trying to find out if you can still send your kids to college.

4. Carollers cannot be chased off with dogs, no matter how terrible they are. Instead, make them sing 5 more songs after their initial repertoire is done and then give them 2 pesos. They won’t come back to your house after that.

5. If during Simbang Gabi you find yourself seated next to a person who is snoring, say ‘let’s all stand na daw’ loud enough for him to hear and make like you’re about to stand up. He’ll then find himself the only person standing up during the homily.

6. If someone gives you a fruitcake as a gift, rewrap it nicely and give it back to that person. If he asks why you’re giving back his fruitcake, tell him it’s not his fruitcake but a fruitcake you were given 5 years ago.

7. If your garbage man hands you an empty envelope, give him a stamp.

8. If the carollers insist on singing ‘Pasko Na Sinta Ko’, tell them you prefer the hip-hop version.

9. If your inaanak/pamangkin didn’t like the toy you gave him this Christmas, tell him that it was the only toy which the orphan had with him before you took it away.

10. During the Metro Manila filmfest, complain loudly that it isn’t the same crappy selection if there aren’t any Bong Revilla movies.

11. Upon encountering mulcting cops asking for ‘pamasko’ tell them a donation has been made in their name to UNICEF.

12. If during the office exchange gifts, you suddenly find out everyone gave gifts beyond the specified amount except you, discreetly walk up to your ‘baby’ and slip her an additional 100 pesos.

13. Speaking of office gifts, don’t feel pressured to give everyone in your office gifts. When your officemates ask what you’re giving them for Christmas, tell them: “Sama ng loob.”

14. When some self-righteous person comes up to you to remember that Christmas isn’t about gift-giving but about commemorating the Birth of Our Savior, tell her that you were thinking about giving her a paid vacation to Aman Pulo, Palawan but decided not to.

15. When people ask you why you’re not giving out gifts tell them you didn’t touch your 13th month pay because you think it’s “unlucky.”

16. If during family gatherings you are asked why you don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend/not married, tell them Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston haven’t divorced yet.

17. When dragged around town for the nth family reunion/kainan, pull out your cellphone every 10 minutes, look at the screen, sigh and place it back in your pocket. When someone notices you and asks what are you waiting for tell him you’re waiting for the Enterprise to beam you back up because there’s no intelligent life down here.

18. If a taxi driver asks for extra money ‘dahil Pasko naman’ (because it’s Christmas), tell him your religion doesn’t celebrate Christmas.

19. If you’re going to do last minute shopping in a crowded department store, wear comfortable shoes. You’ll never know how many people you have to kick to get out.

20. If asked to perform during an office Christmas party, decline and say that your contract with the agency doesn’t allow you to perform outside of Bang-bang-ali.