A Pinoy Blog About Nothing

Expect heavy traffic this Valentine, MMDA tells couples - PDI

Bwahahahaha! Feb 14 is just one of those days which you know Pinoys have it good. Crisis? Nah. You can’t tell by looking at the crowds during Valentine’s Day. I think it’s the busiest Manila gets outside of Christmas. People spend a lot. Some companies even release payroll before the 14th. Hell, even the government gives out bonuses for Valentine’s Day. Why? All in the name of love, kuno. (Make sure you check that last link. Scroll down towards the bottom and click.)

Well, if you buy into that you’ll buy into anything. And so without further ado, I give you:

The Survival Guide to a Pinoy Valentine

1. Valentine’s Day is for suckers. Let’s get that straight. Prices for roses are too high. Taxi cab drivers are especially idiotic. Traffic is almost as bad as Christmas. The good restaurants are mostly full.

Consider this: The first recorded Valentine’s Day tradition was in Rome. In what was called the feast of Lupercalia, the Romans honored Lupercus so that their sheep would not be harmed by wolves. Sheep. Wolves. Dating. Enh? Getting a clearer picture?

So, if you still want to have an empty gesture and go out on February 14, then do so. Be sheep.

2. If you’re reading this, it’s too late to get Choc-Nuts. Believe it or don’t, Choc-Nuts sell out before February 14. Corny as it may seem, people still give out Choc-Nuts on Valentine’s Day. I suspect it’s with a bundle of sampaguita too.

If you are going to go by this route, try looking for those big ones okay? Not those puny thin ones. Getting the thin Choc-Nuts is like buying a single rose for her: you’re too cheap to buy the dozen. And speaking of flowers…

3. The rose is not the only flower out there. Be daring. Bigyan mo ng lily. Just make sure it doesn’t remind her of death. Better yet, make sure you don’t order from a funeral parlor. Sure, that’s a novel idea and I’m sure it’ll get some laughs from the guys but it’s also creepy. Unless of course, you’re a hitman from the Alex Boncayao Brigade in which you already get discounts for bulk orders.

4. If you want to get her something a bit more special than Choc-Nut or flowers, consider chocolates. Flowers can mean “oh he got me a dead thing…it means his love will be high maintainance, wither anyway, stink up my room, die and make a mess in my room.” Eating chocolates however, will activate some nifty chemicals like endorphin that will make her feel good.

In effect, giving chocolates is like drugging her. Only it’s legal. And like drugs, there are after effects. Like remorse (”Ba’t sya nagka pimple?!”). Or withdrawal. If you start giving her chocolates you’d better be able to follow it up and sustain it.

And please if you’re giving chocolates, don’t go for the Hershey Bar from the local 7-11. How would that make her special? Get premium chocolates or nothing at all. That’s why giving chocolates are tricky. Find Godiva. Or one of those novelty chocolates. (No, not the one shaped like a penis, you gentleman you.) If you can’t find good chocolate, go for funny instead.

Her-She’s: Endorphins AND estrogen

5. If in your estimation, flowers and chocolates won’t cut it, you have to bring out the big guns. Buying jewelry? You have to be careful and know what you’re doing. Either you’re married or you’re dating for 10 years (in which case what’s wrong with you? Marry her or move on!). By this time you should know what her taste in blings are to avoid getting something from 50 Cent’s collection. And no, it’s not okay to shop at your local Tambunting.

6. If you’ve arranged for dinner on February 14, make sure you have enough time to pick her up and make it to your reservation. The traffic is ridiculous during Feb 14 that it’s not even funny. Yes, you have to pick her up. Honking your horn to the tune of “1-2, 1-2-3, 1-2-3-4, let’s go!” in front of her house is not considered “picking her up.”

If you’re taking a cab, make your arrangements with the cabbie before you show up with her. She doesn’t want to hear your voice go one octave higher in exasperation as you negotiate with the fare. The girly screaming won’t help your cause.

If you’re picking her up with your car, make sure you clean it and air it out. You may not smell it yourself because you’ve grown accustomed to it but yes, there’s a distinct smell of feet from last weeks soccer/basketball/wrestling/Playstation marathon practice.

Speaking of which, take a bath before your date.

“Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.”

7. If you really want to go out on a date and you don’t have restaurant reservations, try to look for alternative venues. Again if you’re reading this, it’s already too late. Motel Row in Pasig is not my idea of “alternative venue”.

If you’re suspecting “Aldwina” the blind date you made on Friendster is a cross-dressing guy, why not dine al fresco for lunch instead of dinner? That way you can check if he/she has an Adam’s apple in the harsh sunlight instead of lurking by candlelight.

Be creative in your gimmick. This may be the one and only shot you have at going out with Arlene from Accounting, loverboy, so make sure you bring the goods. Picnic at Intramuros? At the rooftop helipad? Go for it. Points if you can get a string quartet or a mariachi band to go with you. Hall of Fame for you if can make the mariachi band land on the helipad just before the copter picks you up for a picnic at the Intramuros. In which case, you shouldn’t be reading this in the first place.

“Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.” - Jerry Seinfeld

8. If you’re a couple and are going on a date this Valentine’s Day, do us all a favor: DO NOT WEAR MATCHING OUTFITS. Unless you’re identical twins below the age of ten or in a sports team, wearing matching outfits is not cool. In fact, every time we see you in matching outfits, we secretly send out vibes to the universe hoping that you break up. Seriously. Wearing matching RED outfits is especially heinous. I think there’s a bill pending to outlaw it. I’m not making that up. They’ll even stop you from boarding the MRT. Pramis.

9. If you must do it and not be safe, make sure you have enough money saved by November/December. It’s not cheap to deliver a baby much less care for one. Ika nga “Any guy can make a baby. It takes a man to be a father.”

10. Bakit kasi maghihintay ka pa ng Valentine’s Day. Dapat araw-araw Valentine’s. Love doesn’t set calendar dates.