A Pinoy Blog About Nothing

I was prepared to hate Constantine. I didn’t exactly see Keanu “Whoa” Reeves as the “working class warlock” of my comic books. I just couldn’t picture him as the guy who can give the finger to Satan, knowing full well he might be spending eternity with him. No sir. But you know what? Constantine is not as horrible as Catwoman. In fact it can pass as entertaining.

Sure you got to take a huge leap of faith here. Reeves is John Constantine, an exorcist living in Los Angeles. During the course of his work, he finds out that the minions of Hell are trying to break through to Earth. Which is a big no-no. See, there’s an agreement between Heaven and Hell that they can’t directly interact with mortals. They influence our actions through half-breeds - the occasional angels and insurance salesman, congressman, telemarketer, — demons around us. With me still? Okay. Constantine finds out a celestial conspiracy tipping the balance in favor of Hell. In the middle of it is Angela and her twin sister Isabel. To top it all off, Constantine finds out he’s got cancer. And no he can’t just magick it all away. There are rules for these things you see.

This is Francis Lawrence’s full length directorial debut. He has been directing videos for Britney Spears and Will Smith among others. His experience lends to some pretty tableau and some pretty looking scenes. But alas, in movies like in real life, looks can only get you so far. There’s no real horror. There’s not even much gore (at least by today’s standards). It’s not even noir pastiche as it could’ve been. There’s no “what if” challenges like a good sci-fi movie or nervous laughter in a good slasher/suspense movie. It comes off, as Petite mentioned, as watching a fantasy movie akin to Lord of the Rings - you’re there for the ride because you’ll know how it’ll turn out. It’s entertaining sure, but it’s empty. It’s — dare I say it? — soulless? It’s a whirlwind of CGI, albeit a well-done effects movie. Unfortunately, in the frenzy of high-tech the center got lost in the shuffle. It’s cinematic junk food if you will - it’s filling but not exactly nutritious. At most it’s a better than average action flick. It reminded me how Chris Columbus handled the first two Harry Potter movies - he focused heavily on the magic spectacle instead of the wonder those magical instances evoked. Alfonso Cuarón got the right tone for it in Prisoner of Azkaban.

The whole premise, silly as it may be to people who may not be familiar with the comic book, relies solely on Christian mythology, of believing that there are angels and demons - and contrary to theology - these creatures can influence humanity’s free will. It wouldn’t work if say Constantine was Jewish. Suspend judgment, take it all in stride and you’ll end up enjoying the movie.

Some of the movie’s decisions are borderline campy: a holy shotgun anyone? Mirrors for exorcism? A Hell’s version of the Bible? Satan (played wonderfully by character actor Peter “Russian Cosmonaut in Armageddon” Stormare) channeling Marlon Brando? It’s a serious movie as much as the Da Vinci Code is a serious theological treatise.

“Cor blimey! Keanu playing meself in a movie? Bollocks!”

Reeves’ bland acting actually helps him as the perennially cranky Constantine. Do I buy him as a con man? I don’t think guile is in Reeves’ repertoire. I’m sorry but that’s the fanboy talking. Rachel Weisz as Angela/Isabel is the audience’s way of being introduced into Constantine’s world of angels, demons, exclusive clubs ran by witch-doctors and nifty religious artifacts used in battling wayward half-breeds. I can actually believe Weisz was buying into and committing to the whole thing than Reeves.

Another memorable character was Gabriel. Angels, according to myth, are sexless, androgynous beings. Here, actress Tilda Swinton hits it perfectly. She’s tall and has a face that’s made to be beautiful for either male or female. The costumes she wore just gave it that extra kick. Who knew the Heavenly Hosts were fashionistas? I love her costumes, especially the white clubwear. Like I said, it’s a good looking movie and it’s worth watching it on the big screen.

And here’s the part where I bitch and moan about everything else:

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* I found out they changed Constantine’s original location (London) for L.A. because Reeves supposedly couldn’t play a convincing Brit. That’s why the suit and the thin tie is a bit out of place for an exorcist in L.A. He might have been comfortable in shirt, jeans and sneakers. Would’ve made it interesting. Thus we’re deprived of the signature trenchcoat of the comicbook Constantine. It’s like watching Superman without the cape. Not the same.

* Reeves looked too clean. For a slob of a magician, he only came close towards the end in the final confrontation: sunken eyes, noticeable five-o’clock shadow, crumpled clothes… Oh was it just me who got reminded that he was wearing Agent Smith’s clothes?

* He still didn’t look like Sting which was the basis for the character. A Brit should’ve done it. Jude Law perhaps? Even James Marsters from Buffy could’ve pulled it off.

* In the movie, Constantine said he was condemned to hell because he committed suicide. That’s why he’s barred from entering Heaven. That’s why he reluctantly embraced his abilities - so he can gain entry to Heaven by sending demons back to Hell. I like the reason given in the comic book better: in his youth, due to the reckless use of magic, Constantine condemned a girl’s soul to Hell. Isn’t that a more horrifying? That would’ve driven anyone to the edge. Sure enough this guilt has clouded Constantine’s judgment in performing his craft that he’s been digging a deeper hole for himself.

* The girl Constantine exorcised at the beginning of the film was hinted as Pinay. She said “Papatayin natin siya” (”We’ll kill him.”) There was even a small Philippine flag in the kitchen as her mother was preparing her lunch. So why then while Constantine was walking out did the mom start speaking in Chinese? (Yeah okay they might be Fil-Chinese. But still…) BTW, the possessed girl was played by Johanna Trias. Any relation to Jasmine? hehe

* <Spoiler Alert!> Somehow Constantine’s gambit towards the end felt like he just stumbled upon it by accident, and not as a calculated, manipulative move. In the comic book, conning Satan earned him the ire of hell. It was like Faust tricking the Devil into giving up his soul using his own contract. It put the fear of dying into Constantine. I mean imagine pissing off Satan and he was just waiting for you to die so that he can torture you for *all eternity*? We got none of that. Instead we got a namby-pamby “Why do you want to go to a prison where you’re the reason half of the inmates are in there?” Duh, dude! </Spoiler Alert!>

* Yes I know comic books and movies are actually two different media. Zip it. I already said it’s an enjoyable movie *despite* its shortcomings, okay?

* Oh and make sure you watch until the very end of the credits.

* And there’s a reason why I like writing Constantine a lot on this post. Mwehehehe!

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